But it's still as fresh as the day I lost my boy. I am in a better place, however, that doesn't come without severe mood swings and bouts of sadness. I often feel like I'm not doing enough, when it comes to my healing or progressing in my personal or professional life. The balance of it all is another journey that I have to focus on as well. I wouldn't be this far if it wasn't for practicing compassion. I know i say that a lot, and some of you all might think, what exactly does that mean?
Well for me, it means, to slow down my thoughts when everything starts to come to me at once. The dreams I want to attain, things i need to handle or take care of, bills or school work, planning and running my own non-profit, retreats, self-care, being a good friend, sister, daughter-- the mind can run aimlessly! But I have learned to gently repeat to myself baby steps. I am always saying baby steps in my head and then I take a deep breath. It helps me remind myself I am not superman and I cannot race to get everything done at that exact second! It reminds me that I am juggling a lot emotionally and mentally and that is valid. It reminds me that I am not perfect, but in fact human and always learning and evolving.
To be compassionate with myself also means to change my inner dialogue. We can be our toughest critics and along my journey I have become really harsh and mean to myself at times. We can internalize things others have said to us or maybe you're just struggling with yourself. It's all normal, I am learning. Together with my therapist, we have been working on eliminating negative self talk and beliefs. For example, I have gained 40 pounds in grief weight and it has been a physical and emotional struggle for me. I feel less attractive, I feel stiff, its feels foreign and heavy (literally) to be carrying my grief weight. So I repeat to myself I have gained weight because I am grieving and mourning the loss of my son and I choose to be gentle and to love myself still. It's a positive affirmation that I repeat daily until I mean it and change the negative self talk ingrained in my head.
I have started stretching and moving my body more for 5 days straight and I am very proud of myself. In the mornings when I wake up, I do a little gentle yoga stretch to move the stagnate energy in my body and it helps with my sadness. I cry sometimes which is good- I am releasing. I am being compassionate to my process. With a year and 3 months out, I compassionate with my progress and still miss my child with every beat to my heart. I try and I hope mamas, you feel inspired to keep trying too.
