Hello my sweet mamas,
It's been awhile since I have written and it's been because I have been rediscovering myself. I have been learning to ask for help, to sit and observe, and I have been present with my life and meeting myself where I am at. I say all that to say, it has not been easy. Of course not, you know. And I have been learning to trust myself again, which I am discovering is not easy.
My son and I, we have this story and it is up to me, to share our story with the world. To show other mamas we can live with our grief and look forward towards a positive future. To make that shift from loving our children in the physical form to loving them eternally, spiritually, and finding ways to connect with them sacredly. I am still learning. I couldn't be more proud of myself. I like to think Yoá is staring down at me, smiling, saying go mommy! So, I will always continue, for him.
I find myself back in Costa Rica, where I used to live with my baby what seems like just yesterday, but this time creating a new life for myself in the city of San Jose. It was uncomfortable at first. I didn't know where to start, I didn't have many friends, I was always working (my main job is an online teacher) and not making time for the things that mattered the most: My Yoá's Place Non-Profit and anything involving that. I was also trying to find time to write, to be creative, to date again, to learn to open up my heart. Opening my heart and trying to trust the world again HAS BEEN HARD AS HELL. And I realized this hard shell that I had created was a disservice to myself. And ya'll, I got a lot of issues! (Insert nervous laughter lol) But with continued talks with loved ones, consistency with my therapists, and finally taking that hard look at myself in the mirror I realized I had two choices: stay the same or grow. I choose to grow.
I choose to grow, to acknowledge how far I actually have come and applaud the Brittini I am today. And to always hold compassion with myself as I continue to be vulnerable and wear my heart on my sleeve. You see, that is what made me the loving mother that I am today. I love my baby unconditionally and I gave him everything that I had. He learned love, respect, kindness, and to do the right thing because we should all just be good. I am just getting started.
I hope you all are doing well and I want all my mamas to know you can always send me a message. To drop in, to chat, to talk about our babies. To hold space- I am always here.
Sending big hugs,
Yoá's Mama.