Inside her Mind

There is a lot to me. I have many layers and layers and layers, and oh am I not simple. I am full of depth. Deeper than the ocean’s wide and vast sea. Yes, I have many layers and yet I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I am complicated and trusting and have had my heart broken so many times yet I still smile with tear stained cheeks, always wishing upon a star. I am beautiful inside and out and I am not perfect but I try to be. and I am trying to learn that it's ok not to be perfect. I do seek validation and but I am unlearning what no longer serves me and that I..AM...ENOUGH! I go to therapy and sometimes cry on my yoga mat, hoping the loud 80's music in the background will blast my eternal sadness away. Sometimes I am full of energy and can stand tall, and sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it. Worth this shit. This stupid life. I don’t want it. And yet I do. I am confused and unstable and grounded all in one. I try, and I laugh and I make jokes. I take the risks and then I become like the turtle that goes back into its shell to feel protected and safe. I am a mother. And I often think about the day I became a bereaved mother. Maybe it's ptsd. Maybe it's depression. Maybe it's just extreme sadness. Maybe I am hopeful. Maybe I'll fall in love and have 3 babies and I'll tell them the tale of a time their mommy and their older brother had the adventure of a lifetime! That I snuck him to hostels or let him run freely in Mexican airports while I watched from afar eating at Chilis. And that I love him more than my own self.

There's a lot to me. I have many faces. Many phases. Many dreams. And when I plop down on my bed and close my eyes wrapped in my fluffy blankets, I wonder. and I wonder. and I dream. and I'm angry. I resist. Sometimes I explode. I think about my ex's that betrayed me. Hurt me. When all I wanted was the romantic love that I saw on tv. My family is a mess. but I love them. Life is chaotic. What am I doing, what is happening. I am blessed. and sometimes I feel cursed. It's generational trauma. Probably. I am black. From America. My people have lived in hell for hundreds and hundreds of years. and we've overcome so much. I think about my great grandmother who is a bereaved mother 3 times. My grandmother who lost my uncle. and now there is me.

This is me. 31. single. grieving. lost. determined. loved. broken. optimistic. free. disappointed. non-linear. honest. human. caring. with my shoulders shrugged and inhale and exhale. Maybe I'll find my rhythm next month.