My emotional roller coaster

For the love of God, read this! I am not ok. STOP TELLING ME "THIS WAS MEANT TO BE!!" My beautiful son was not meant to die! That doesn't ease my pain in the slightest. My son was not a sacrifice! My son was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me! I'm struggling. I refuse to accept this. And the reality is that one day, I will have to accept this.

A few days after my son's sudden death, I would experience extreme anxiety and panic and shock at the same time with immense sadness. All at once. I have been unstable for 14 days. I was prescribed a pill that works as an antidepressant and anxiety medication. During my sons funeral I was "ok" but I was a wreck. It probably would have been worse if I wasn't medicated. This magical pill made me feel "normal" so I wouldn't make everyone else around me feel uncomfortable or appear as if I wasnt being "strong."

Two days ago, I stopped. Because nothing is normal about an unexpected death of ones 3 year old innocent and perfect child. And I don't want to feel normal. Today I don't want to talk to anyone. Today I don't want unsolicited advice. Today I want my son. And tomorrow I will want him. And the next day. And the next. And for the rest of my life I will crave Yoá Xavier.

Grieving mothers, I hear you. I feel you. Each grief journey is different. We are sad. Today, I share that my grief is heavy. And today I chose to sit in it. Because I choose to believe this will eventually help me.