On May 22th of this year, my family, friends, and supporters came together to pour love into each other for my Sun's first angel anniversary. And what a bittersweet day it was. I traveled back to the Islands with my loved one's by my side and with my toes gracefully walking across warm and familiar land that I have considered a part of my heart for the past several years. In my sun's honor we held a Cacao Ceremony, where we drank pure cacao and hot water, with unique and individual intentions to clear, wash, and heal all of our broken hearts.
A wooden table was set up outside on the balcony of a rustic Caribbean house right in front of the ocean, with my sun's pictures, his special toys, flowers, incenses, candles made with love and peace, and private notes all present. As comforting r&b played in the background, Yoá's tia's all bustled together in the kitchen cooking fresh lobster, coconut rice, and Caribbean chicken with spices. I changed into a dusty rose dress with a flower crown neatly tucked into my long braids I had done a few days before. Yoá's younger primos and primas (cousins) ran around the house, laughing, playing with new toys that I had finally found the strength to part ways with that once belonged to my sweet, sweet child.
I decided I wanted to hold a Cacao Ceremony in my son's honor because once in my own despair years ago, I attended a Cacao ceremony after a sad breakup. And I felt not only energized but in control and full of confidence after the first sips of cacao flowed down my throat and into my heart. And I know everyone who loved my sun could use some comfort and positivity in their lives, hopefully aiding in their process of grieving.
We formed a circle, cousins, aunts, grandparents, close friends, children, and of course, Yoá's mami and daddy and as we sat, the sun setting against the back drop of gentle crashing waves, waving palm trees, and latte colored sand, we began to share stories of our beautiful angel.
And my heart began to fill up with magic. And love.
I watched a room of people shine bright as they shared how my 3 and a half year sun affected their lives. I watched a room full of people tell me how powerful my son was. I watched a room full of people share how much love my sun brought into their lives! Tears of joy and sadness ran down my face as gratitude choked from my throat. My mother had her hand on my back as she too, thanked Yoá's paternal family for holding and carrying me through my darkest darkest days. Due to Covid, she was unable to get to me in Panama when we lost my child and my son's father's family took care of me and my best friend without a second thought.
And all throughout the ceremony and my time in beloved Bastimentos, I noticed Yoá was everywhere. He was tattooed on his uncles shoulder, and his aunt's lower back. He was on his father's arm, and he lies on my rib cage, right besides my heart. His clothes were on his little cousins and his shoes on their little stinky feet. His toys scattered around the floor, His father gazed with his eyes and I smelled with his nose. And when I stood side by side his father, you could see our sun's gap tooth smile in the both of us.
I originally fought returning to the island. I felt I wasn't ready. I experienced a DEEP depression the month before and I was ready to give up. I couldn't for the love of me, stop myself from crying. I couldn't make myself leave the bed to cook, clean, eat, or even bathe. I became super sick from traveling and my body was literally in aching pain. My heart was in a million pieces and the only thing that I wanted was my sun.
But love saved me. Returning back to Bastimentos SAVED me.
I never want to be in the low place I was before my son's cacao ceremony. I am learning that community and love is essential in learning to process and walking with a grief as deep as child loss. I told myself all I needed was myself on my healing journey but that is a lie.
You need people who love you, who will fill you with light and even when you cant take in the light, will sit with you in the dark until you are ready to receive. You need people who will listen and cheer you on. You have to release, as hard as it may be. I was holding in all my sadness because I was so TIRED of crying. I was weak from my tears. I was weak from grief.
But I always think and remember my sun. Him standing in front of me, watching his sad and tired mama and glimpsing over his shoulder to see his weak and heartbroken daddy. Maybe he's confused. And I don't want to confuse my baby. Which is why I Fight everyday to walk with my grief and practice compassion, healing, and forgiveness. None of that is easy, at all. And it doesn't matter if i have days where I fall of my healing wagon. I pick myself up, dust myself off and try and try again. And I'm a clumsy girl, emotionally and physically, but I will never give up. It is a practice I will have for the rest of my life because I will always love my sun.
And I am so happy that my sun was able to see all the people who he loved the most come together and celebrate his legacy. His first angel anniversary was an accomplishment and we still have a lifetime more to go. But my goal is to make it as beautiful, sweet, and loving as it was this time.
And when the ceremony was done, and everyone was gone, I held a bouquet of flowers in my arms, and with Titi and his abuela to my left and right, we threw flowers into the ocean. Finally making peace and forgiving the water for calling my sun home.
Mommy and Daddy love you so much angel. I hope we are making you proud.
