Taking your Time

I never considered the emotional difficulties that having a grief blog would create. I love my son and writing about him is a strong confliction of joy and sadness. My emotions seem to swirl and take on a form of their own. Next thing I know, my mind is racing, I've become anxious and I put this unconscious pressure on myself on what I should be doing. I should be healing, creating, moving and keeping my body in action! But this journey is truly an emotional rollercoaster, always up and down with unexpected twists and turns and grieving your child is difficult.

Returning back to California was difficult. I returned to a place where I was born and raised, but it was no longer home to me. Home was open foreign roads with my little guy. Home was Panama and Costa Rica. Home was the black sands, the salty ocean, and big deep blue freeing skies. I thought returning to California would, at the least, coddle me until I had the courage to face the world again. But all it did was push me to a point where I felt like I was surviving. I bounced back and forth to my sweet friends homes where they encouraged me to cry, scream, yell, or wallow in my sadness without judgement. Which is what I needed. The flowerchild of my soul is a wanderer and so I was called to Covelo, Willits, Petrolia, Oakland, Livermore-- all different cities around California. I was gifted a RV who I affectionately call Dollie Mae and when it came time to celebrate my first birthday without my child, my support system showed up and showed out, pouring all their love into me, I had no time to feel depleted.

From August up until today, I was on a journey. It has been 9 months since my angel gained his wings and since August I could not bring myself to write. I thought about it often, wrote privately in my journal, even made some drafts, but I wasn't ready to continue to write this blog. Taking my time away from this blog was me practicing compassion for myself. I didn't NEED to do anything that would drain the little bit of energy that I had. I was learning to take my time and I had to tell myself that I wasn't abandoning my blog, but just taking some much needed time to get myself together. I needed to get to a place where I felt like I could unravel and breath. So after months of being in the states, month of local travel, and months of individual and group therapy, I had to ask myself what I needed. What would bring peace to my broken spirit? Where was home?

California wasn't home. As much as I loved Dollie Mae, she wasn't home. Home wasn't the United States. Home was unfamiliar lands. Home was a place I had never been before. I decided, home was going to be Guatemala. After self doubt and unforeseen changes, I proudly landed in Guatemala on February 5th and have been retreating and unpacking my emotions ever since.

It's easy to get into this mindset during grief that you're running in circles and driving yourself crazy. But what I am learning is that this healing journey is a process and a practice. You have the thoughts; let them flow. It's necessary. You need to cry, let your tears wash down your cheeks and release. You will be angry. You will experience guilt, you will struggle to accept. Hug yourself until you calm down. And continue the practice. It took me 6 months to come back to this Blog and continue to share my journey. And as you unpack your grief, you start learning what you need. So take your time mama, and so will I.