In 10 days it will be 2 months since I lost my little boy. I now feel my pain transforming. It's not as heavy and the gut punching panic that I felt everyday in my stomach is gone. I've had and will continue to have one on one personal grief counseling and in 7 or 8 weeks will start group grief counseling with other bereaved parents. I listen to the Grieving mom's podcast by Megan Hillukka and through my interactions not only with her but the tips and support system options she's provided I've become apart of a community with other mothers. We speak about our children, we cry, we get angry, we support each other. We are apart of a tribe, where each mother has a part of her heart gone.
It's hard work. I mean, the worst thing that could happen has happened to me. I have no energy or strength and am completely derailed, and I truly feel I have only 2 options: die or live. If I didn't learn to heal or how to carry this grief with me, I would be dying a little, each day. So I choose to live, and I reluctantly choose to live. And that's okay. Each day, something happens that brings a dash of hope into my heart and my mind frame and faith changes. I'm learning to be patient with myself but also understanding that any and everything that I feel IS VALIDATING.
My friends and family are so beautiful. I adore them. I mean, from the beginning and up until now, I am completely in awe at how kind and gentle each and everyone dear to my heart has been. Allowing me to sob, allowing me to sit and stare off into the silence, accepting my crazy and impulsive decision to apply for a reality TV show, sending me stunning images of flowers, or real flowers, relaxing baths, yummy picnics or meals,--the amount of sage I received from my lovely hippie mommas, the photos of my baby in their homes and the messages. The messages are the love and prayers that transform into my spirit and recharges me when I feel the lowest. Just when I think someone has forgotten about me or Yoá, they prove me wrong. Everyone who truly loves me has been there for me and I appreciate and am so grateful! I COULD NOT BE WHERE I AM WITHOUT EVERYONE'S LOVE AND SUPPORT! And that is something I cherish.
I will start to document my Healing Journey with Trauma Sensitive Yoga sequences. I started today and I learned about clearing my head and being sensitive with my body (which stores a lot of physical and emotional trauma) and my thoughts. I am very stiff and have poor posture and it's not easy. But I'm excited to watch my body and mental health transform.
I am committed to this transformation. I look back on my life with Yoá with tears in my eyes. I wasn't ready for that life to end. We were just getting started. I've learned living in the past is detrimental in my healing journey. I'm still trying to figure out how to transform with my son's love and memory and grief, and to be able to carry it with me, healthily. How to look forward to a beautiful future proudly creating my son's legacy.
